Change

Change
I hate feeling selfish. It consumes me if I go shopping and buy something for myself if I know someone else may be in need. So most of the time I just simply don't do it...even if I'm in need. The time has come, however. At 35 years of age, I just realized that I've been in a deep depression for 7 1/2 years now. For a time I denied it was even "depression" I believed that since I was sleeping and eating okay, it must have just been anxiety getting to me. The light bulb came on yesterday. I realized that I can't get up and be productive...ever. I realized that I hadn't had a shower in 4 days. Gross I know, but I don't smell or anything :P
I've been living a lie. Everything I do is just elaborate acting. I thought I was doing the right thing...for my kids and my self. I'm not. I've wasted so much time. I know how precious time is. I know that I won't get nearly as much time as most people do. I need to stop giving my time away to nothing. I am stopping today.
I feel the anxiety of what will come. Packing and moving is stressful to anyone. Leaving behind what you thought was forever, is excruciating. Doing all this with less physical strength than a normal adult...well ...it's terrifying.
I only hope that feeling so close to freedom is enough to push me through it. It will be ugly. There will be crying, screaming, accusations. This time none of that matters. This time is for me, and me only.
I will live again. Perhaps I will see you there...in that world...when I finally get there.
I can do this with a clean heart. I'm not feeling anything for anyone else. No cheating or even hope of it. If I have to live alone the rest of my life, that will be perfectly fine. I can do that right?? Everyone does it. Even worse challenged people than I do it, and quite well. It's time for me to live...it's time for a change. ...And I know a change gone' come