Change
I hate feeling selfish. It consumes me if I go shopping and buy something for myself if I know someone else may be in need. So most of the time I just simply don't do it...even if I'm in need. The time has come, however. At 35 years of age, I just realized that I've been in a deep depression for 7 1/2 years now. For a time I denied it was even "depression" I believed that since I was sleeping and eating okay, it must have just been anxiety getting to me. The light bulb came on yesterday. I realized that I can't get up and be productive...ever. I realized that I hadn't had a shower in 4 days. Gross I know, but I don't smell or anything :P
I've been living a lie. Everything I do is just elaborate acting. I thought I was doing the right thing...for my kids and my self. I'm not. I've wasted so much time. I know how precious time is. I know that I won't get nearly as much time as most people do. I need to stop giving my time away to nothing. I am stopping today.
I feel the anxiety of what will come. Packing and moving is stressful to anyone. Leaving behind what you thought was forever, is excruciating. Doing all this with less physical strength than a normal adult...well ...it's terrifying.
I only hope that feeling so close to freedom is enough to push me through it. It will be ugly. There will be crying, screaming, accusations. This time none of that matters. This time is for me, and me only.
I will live again. Perhaps I will see you there...in that world...when I finally get there.
I can do this with a clean heart. I'm not feeling anything for anyone else. No cheating or even hope of it. If I have to live alone the rest of my life, that will be perfectly fine. I can do that right?? Everyone does it. Even worse challenged people than I do it, and quite well. It's time for me to live...it's time for a change. ...And I know a change gone' come
Monday, October 5, 2009
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Friendship
friendship.
When we think of friendship we think of good times right? We think of shared past experiences and fun times, we think of times when we needed someone to listen or give advice and someone was there. The problem with that is frankly, it's all crap. There's no such thing as friendship. There's providing a free service for someone or them providing the same to you. When it comes down to it...when you are seriously desperate, you only got you.
I know there are "friends" of mine out there who would/will read this and be seriously offended, so if you are one of them...I ask you this. Were you there for me when I was diagnosed with all my shit? When I was young and homeless. did YOU offer me a place to sleep? Have YOU ever brought me chicken soup when I was sick? How about when my father died, did YOU offer to hold my hand or hug me when I cried?? Did you EVEN understand why I was crying over that????
I did that for you which you needed. I held your hair when you puked....I called the cops to deal with your problem when you couldn't. I let you LIVE in my home and risked me getting kicked out for it. I talked you out of the bathroom when you got cold feet. I am the only one who knows your dark secret...and I never told.
I am not your entertainment anymore. I am done celebrating YOU and being left in the corner whilst you shine. I will be gone before you. My time is set and there's nothing I can do to stop it. When I'm gone, you will still make it your party, your sorrow, your loss...but that's just fine...cus you won't let me down anymore.
When we think of friendship we think of good times right? We think of shared past experiences and fun times, we think of times when we needed someone to listen or give advice and someone was there. The problem with that is frankly, it's all crap. There's no such thing as friendship. There's providing a free service for someone or them providing the same to you. When it comes down to it...when you are seriously desperate, you only got you.
I know there are "friends" of mine out there who would/will read this and be seriously offended, so if you are one of them...I ask you this. Were you there for me when I was diagnosed with all my shit? When I was young and homeless. did YOU offer me a place to sleep? Have YOU ever brought me chicken soup when I was sick? How about when my father died, did YOU offer to hold my hand or hug me when I cried?? Did you EVEN understand why I was crying over that????
I did that for you which you needed. I held your hair when you puked....I called the cops to deal with your problem when you couldn't. I let you LIVE in my home and risked me getting kicked out for it. I talked you out of the bathroom when you got cold feet. I am the only one who knows your dark secret...and I never told.
I am not your entertainment anymore. I am done celebrating YOU and being left in the corner whilst you shine. I will be gone before you. My time is set and there's nothing I can do to stop it. When I'm gone, you will still make it your party, your sorrow, your loss...but that's just fine...cus you won't let me down anymore.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Fear
Fear...
For some of us fear is something we occasionally face, with the intention of proving that we are stronger than we really believe we are. For others is a place, a person, or a situation in which we have no control, so we sometimes look it in the eye and sometimes we hide. For the few unlucky ones, fear is something completely different. It's a car, it's a bridge, it's a war, well really it's almost EVERYTHING.
There are phobics, hypochondriacs, and paranoid delusionists who perhaps can explain it better, but there's just some people who are terrified of fear.
"The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself."
It's been said and repeated to the point where we all have heard this. But what about those who really get it?
When we are young, we drive fast, we drink lots, we smoke, we live hard. We don't really think anything will happen. Why would we, we see the odds right?
How many things does it take to turn our carefree minds into complete agoraphobics?
For me, it was just one.
Failure.
Then a plethora of bad shit hurdled at the fan and made me want to stay there. The big realization was "It CAN happen to me"
So where does that leave me?? It leaves me fighting. Fighting friends, family, and everyone around me trying to convey that it really is ok to just be here...inside.
I don't want to die. I'm not sure anymore that I even want to know how far away death is. I don't want more tests, no more poking, no more prodding and NO MORE people telling me it could be something worse than what they thought it was previously!!
After tomorrow, no more.
After tomorrow I just want to live my life.
For some of us fear is something we occasionally face, with the intention of proving that we are stronger than we really believe we are. For others is a place, a person, or a situation in which we have no control, so we sometimes look it in the eye and sometimes we hide. For the few unlucky ones, fear is something completely different. It's a car, it's a bridge, it's a war, well really it's almost EVERYTHING.
There are phobics, hypochondriacs, and paranoid delusionists who perhaps can explain it better, but there's just some people who are terrified of fear.
"The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself."
It's been said and repeated to the point where we all have heard this. But what about those who really get it?
When we are young, we drive fast, we drink lots, we smoke, we live hard. We don't really think anything will happen. Why would we, we see the odds right?
How many things does it take to turn our carefree minds into complete agoraphobics?
For me, it was just one.
Failure.
Then a plethora of bad shit hurdled at the fan and made me want to stay there. The big realization was "It CAN happen to me"
So where does that leave me?? It leaves me fighting. Fighting friends, family, and everyone around me trying to convey that it really is ok to just be here...inside.
I don't want to die. I'm not sure anymore that I even want to know how far away death is. I don't want more tests, no more poking, no more prodding and NO MORE people telling me it could be something worse than what they thought it was previously!!
After tomorrow, no more.
After tomorrow I just want to live my life.
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