We all want to do it. Whether it's to fix something that was broken or to relive something that was amazing, we all want to go back.
This was my recent big lesson. Lately all I've seen was hate, unhappiness and sorrow try to penatrate my life. I could only focus on that, having a full scatoma on the lesson that was trying to be known.
It wasn't my father dying, it wasn't feeling abandoned by my family. It wasn't being hurt by a friend. It wasn't money, economy, or my getting deathly ill. It was a message. (smacks forhead)
You can't go back. You can't rekindle lost friendships, you can't get one last chance to ask why. You can't expect people to change because you have. It's over.
There's no going back. You have to just take access of everything now, then step forward.
This is my life. Now. Right the fuck now, I have to live.
I am never going to get those answers, or resolutions that I pyne for daily.
I am leaving it all behind.
If something comes to find me in my future I will deal with it then.
Now, I am happy. I do not feel sorrow, or longing, or lonely. Now I feel great. I'll just hang onto that.
Monday, November 17, 2008
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Closing
I have certainly learned more than I'd ever thought I'd get to in the last few days. The wake went mostly better than I'd expected. I was actually hugged by the woman who haunts me in my dreams. But I met my sisters and brothers. Wow, they are a fine looking bunch. My sisters are beautiful! I also met one of my father's very good friends. He clung to me, it was odd but he felt like as much of an outcast as I did. I don't know why, and really don't think I want to. It was nice tho, to not feel so alone thru this. I also met/remet 2 of my aunts, and got such a great reception. They were oh so kind to me and I can't wait to see them again. I also found my "person" By that I mean the one person in your gene pool that you just resemble enough that people notice...this is very common for most people but not me ..I never looked like any I knew..it was a lonely place. However that's more than changed...My Aunt Clarissa (cookie) wow...she had my nose, eyes and crooked smile and she was wonderful!
The funeral was the next day, but I didn't make it. I wanted to. I got up to hearing the phone ring then Ryan came in and told me his grandfather died about 2 hours earlier...unexpectedly.
We were still planning on attending, however. We got ready (a bit late but not too bad) and we were walking out the door when I noticed the bottom of my dress had a 3 inch tear at the bottom. It was too late to change, so I decided to buck it up and go as is...until....we got to the car and saw that we had a flat tire. That was it, destiny was to yell at me no louder, I got it. I told him we're just not going, and that's that.
since then, we've just worked on getting through this, and having some family time. We needed the distraction. I know he's getting a lil tired of hearing stuff about my family and how I feel, so I've tried to back off some...it's so hard though because I NEED to talk and rationalize this whirlwind and I've got no one to talk to. I really missed my mom today. She's in Az at my sister's and won't be back til next thursday.
I had a fight with my other sister a couple days ago too. She has a different father, one she's known all her life.. sure he's not the father of the year...(ok that's just being nice...he's crap) but I would think that she would call me upon hearing that my father died, and tell me that she loved me but she only called my mother to see if she knew...when I got upset about it, she brought up some joke when I teased her for sending me right-wing'd political stuff like it was something horrible I did? wtf?? anyway...so she wasn't in the least bit sorry for not calling, or certainly never hinted that she was. fin~
So lastly, trying to bring this blog back to where it was, I noticed that the night I couldn't keep those french doors closed, was Wednesday, the day my father died (found out friday) and oddly enough, the doors haven't opened again since.
The funeral was the next day, but I didn't make it. I wanted to. I got up to hearing the phone ring then Ryan came in and told me his grandfather died about 2 hours earlier...unexpectedly.
We were still planning on attending, however. We got ready (a bit late but not too bad) and we were walking out the door when I noticed the bottom of my dress had a 3 inch tear at the bottom. It was too late to change, so I decided to buck it up and go as is...until....we got to the car and saw that we had a flat tire. That was it, destiny was to yell at me no louder, I got it. I told him we're just not going, and that's that.
since then, we've just worked on getting through this, and having some family time. We needed the distraction. I know he's getting a lil tired of hearing stuff about my family and how I feel, so I've tried to back off some...it's so hard though because I NEED to talk and rationalize this whirlwind and I've got no one to talk to. I really missed my mom today. She's in Az at my sister's and won't be back til next thursday.
I had a fight with my other sister a couple days ago too. She has a different father, one she's known all her life.. sure he's not the father of the year...(ok that's just being nice...he's crap) but I would think that she would call me upon hearing that my father died, and tell me that she loved me but she only called my mother to see if she knew...when I got upset about it, she brought up some joke when I teased her for sending me right-wing'd political stuff like it was something horrible I did? wtf?? anyway...so she wasn't in the least bit sorry for not calling, or certainly never hinted that she was. fin~
So lastly, trying to bring this blog back to where it was, I noticed that the night I couldn't keep those french doors closed, was Wednesday, the day my father died (found out friday) and oddly enough, the doors haven't opened again since.
Monday, October 27, 2008
wake/awake
I'm preparing to leave for my father's wake now. I don't know what to expect.
I think of the term insomniac and why I chose it. At the time it had to do with my being in physical pain and not having medication to help cope. But now I know that it meant more. At the time I started this blog I felt sorry for myself. I was dealing with some serious illnesses and I knew in my heart that there was more coming. I blamed my father. After all, he's native american and my diabetes is directly related. I also spent that time looking him up again. I contimplated filing a law suit for child support that I never recieved...not for the money but for a chance to make him face me. I wanted to be seen. I AM HERE. no one sees me though. Today they will all see me. I don't know what will happen. But I am Insomniac...I am fully awake. Awake today they will look at me...they will see my eyes, my hair, my smile, my tears...today they will see me...and although they are in their own pain, for a moment they will see mine. I hope they feel it, I hope they know for a moment, or have even a glimpse of what they have done. That's all I need...I don't want them to continue hurting...just feel me for a moment...me wide awake.
I think of the term insomniac and why I chose it. At the time it had to do with my being in physical pain and not having medication to help cope. But now I know that it meant more. At the time I started this blog I felt sorry for myself. I was dealing with some serious illnesses and I knew in my heart that there was more coming. I blamed my father. After all, he's native american and my diabetes is directly related. I also spent that time looking him up again. I contimplated filing a law suit for child support that I never recieved...not for the money but for a chance to make him face me. I wanted to be seen. I AM HERE. no one sees me though. Today they will all see me. I don't know what will happen. But I am Insomniac...I am fully awake. Awake today they will look at me...they will see my eyes, my hair, my smile, my tears...today they will see me...and although they are in their own pain, for a moment they will see mine. I hope they feel it, I hope they know for a moment, or have even a glimpse of what they have done. That's all I need...I don't want them to continue hurting...just feel me for a moment...me wide awake.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
death
I just found out my father died. I haven't seen him in 30 years. I really didn't think it would hurt this badly. Tomorrow I will attend his wake. I'm so nervous.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
so much later
So first let me say that over a year and a half later life is better...dropped a few lbs in my whips and got pain managed...diabetes still out of control but one thing at a time...'nuff
New: Moved to new house on 9-5-08 beatiful (pseudo) Victorian built some time in the 20's (from some older man who grew up here) today is 10-22-08 and things are starting to happen. My first days in this house I was drunk with love for it. It gave me inspiration and energy, something that had been seriously lacking in my pathetic life. I would play "stormy weather" and sit at the dining room table while imagining that was watching people dance in the front living room. I felt like the "house" liked that and did it for at least 4-5 days after moving in. Time has gone by and we've settled in a bit. Last night while on my computer I noticed that the 1st floor screened in porch french doors kept popping open and would creak as they moved. I didn't think too much of it at the time..except that it was odd they didn't do that before. Then after I went to bed I dreamt that there were other parapsycological happings in the house...things kept disappearing and occasionally would move on their own. Alas, it was only a dream and I know that
Today: French doors keep opening, I cannot keep them shut now. Even Ryan tried to put a table in front of them but they just opened again and are creaking...it's a bit unnerving. My scientific mind says that it's because it's been a bit more windy the last couple days and there is enough drafts on the porch to keep it open. My right mind...says...becareful what you dream. I'm going to shut them again and perhaps this time tape them or something...afk
Ok left door has a lock on the top...I've locked it and shut them tight again, have also replaced the table in front of doors...I'm sure problem is solved.
this may seem unusual or even silly to blog this...but from now on I will be blogging every strange occurance, lucid dream or any psychic phenomena that happens. I just want to see if they are really as frequent as I think.
New: Moved to new house on 9-5-08 beatiful (pseudo) Victorian built some time in the 20's (from some older man who grew up here) today is 10-22-08 and things are starting to happen. My first days in this house I was drunk with love for it. It gave me inspiration and energy, something that had been seriously lacking in my pathetic life. I would play "stormy weather" and sit at the dining room table while imagining that was watching people dance in the front living room. I felt like the "house" liked that and did it for at least 4-5 days after moving in. Time has gone by and we've settled in a bit. Last night while on my computer I noticed that the 1st floor screened in porch french doors kept popping open and would creak as they moved. I didn't think too much of it at the time..except that it was odd they didn't do that before. Then after I went to bed I dreamt that there were other parapsycological happings in the house...things kept disappearing and occasionally would move on their own. Alas, it was only a dream and I know that
Today: French doors keep opening, I cannot keep them shut now. Even Ryan tried to put a table in front of them but they just opened again and are creaking...it's a bit unnerving. My scientific mind says that it's because it's been a bit more windy the last couple days and there is enough drafts on the porch to keep it open. My right mind...says...becareful what you dream. I'm going to shut them again and perhaps this time tape them or something...afk
Ok left door has a lock on the top...I've locked it and shut them tight again, have also replaced the table in front of doors...I'm sure problem is solved.
this may seem unusual or even silly to blog this...but from now on I will be blogging every strange occurance, lucid dream or any psychic phenomena that happens. I just want to see if they are really as frequent as I think.
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