Change
I hate feeling selfish. It consumes me if I go shopping and buy something for myself if I know someone else may be in need. So most of the time I just simply don't do it...even if I'm in need. The time has come, however. At 35 years of age, I just realized that I've been in a deep depression for 7 1/2 years now. For a time I denied it was even "depression" I believed that since I was sleeping and eating okay, it must have just been anxiety getting to me. The light bulb came on yesterday. I realized that I can't get up and be productive...ever. I realized that I hadn't had a shower in 4 days. Gross I know, but I don't smell or anything :P
I've been living a lie. Everything I do is just elaborate acting. I thought I was doing the right thing...for my kids and my self. I'm not. I've wasted so much time. I know how precious time is. I know that I won't get nearly as much time as most people do. I need to stop giving my time away to nothing. I am stopping today.
I feel the anxiety of what will come. Packing and moving is stressful to anyone. Leaving behind what you thought was forever, is excruciating. Doing all this with less physical strength than a normal adult...well ...it's terrifying.
I only hope that feeling so close to freedom is enough to push me through it. It will be ugly. There will be crying, screaming, accusations. This time none of that matters. This time is for me, and me only.
I will live again. Perhaps I will see you there...in that world...when I finally get there.
I can do this with a clean heart. I'm not feeling anything for anyone else. No cheating or even hope of it. If I have to live alone the rest of my life, that will be perfectly fine. I can do that right?? Everyone does it. Even worse challenged people than I do it, and quite well. It's time for me to live...it's time for a change. ...And I know a change gone' come
Monday, October 5, 2009
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Friendship
friendship.
When we think of friendship we think of good times right? We think of shared past experiences and fun times, we think of times when we needed someone to listen or give advice and someone was there. The problem with that is frankly, it's all crap. There's no such thing as friendship. There's providing a free service for someone or them providing the same to you. When it comes down to it...when you are seriously desperate, you only got you.
I know there are "friends" of mine out there who would/will read this and be seriously offended, so if you are one of them...I ask you this. Were you there for me when I was diagnosed with all my shit? When I was young and homeless. did YOU offer me a place to sleep? Have YOU ever brought me chicken soup when I was sick? How about when my father died, did YOU offer to hold my hand or hug me when I cried?? Did you EVEN understand why I was crying over that????
I did that for you which you needed. I held your hair when you puked....I called the cops to deal with your problem when you couldn't. I let you LIVE in my home and risked me getting kicked out for it. I talked you out of the bathroom when you got cold feet. I am the only one who knows your dark secret...and I never told.
I am not your entertainment anymore. I am done celebrating YOU and being left in the corner whilst you shine. I will be gone before you. My time is set and there's nothing I can do to stop it. When I'm gone, you will still make it your party, your sorrow, your loss...but that's just fine...cus you won't let me down anymore.
When we think of friendship we think of good times right? We think of shared past experiences and fun times, we think of times when we needed someone to listen or give advice and someone was there. The problem with that is frankly, it's all crap. There's no such thing as friendship. There's providing a free service for someone or them providing the same to you. When it comes down to it...when you are seriously desperate, you only got you.
I know there are "friends" of mine out there who would/will read this and be seriously offended, so if you are one of them...I ask you this. Were you there for me when I was diagnosed with all my shit? When I was young and homeless. did YOU offer me a place to sleep? Have YOU ever brought me chicken soup when I was sick? How about when my father died, did YOU offer to hold my hand or hug me when I cried?? Did you EVEN understand why I was crying over that????
I did that for you which you needed. I held your hair when you puked....I called the cops to deal with your problem when you couldn't. I let you LIVE in my home and risked me getting kicked out for it. I talked you out of the bathroom when you got cold feet. I am the only one who knows your dark secret...and I never told.
I am not your entertainment anymore. I am done celebrating YOU and being left in the corner whilst you shine. I will be gone before you. My time is set and there's nothing I can do to stop it. When I'm gone, you will still make it your party, your sorrow, your loss...but that's just fine...cus you won't let me down anymore.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Fear
Fear...
For some of us fear is something we occasionally face, with the intention of proving that we are stronger than we really believe we are. For others is a place, a person, or a situation in which we have no control, so we sometimes look it in the eye and sometimes we hide. For the few unlucky ones, fear is something completely different. It's a car, it's a bridge, it's a war, well really it's almost EVERYTHING.
There are phobics, hypochondriacs, and paranoid delusionists who perhaps can explain it better, but there's just some people who are terrified of fear.
"The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself."
It's been said and repeated to the point where we all have heard this. But what about those who really get it?
When we are young, we drive fast, we drink lots, we smoke, we live hard. We don't really think anything will happen. Why would we, we see the odds right?
How many things does it take to turn our carefree minds into complete agoraphobics?
For me, it was just one.
Failure.
Then a plethora of bad shit hurdled at the fan and made me want to stay there. The big realization was "It CAN happen to me"
So where does that leave me?? It leaves me fighting. Fighting friends, family, and everyone around me trying to convey that it really is ok to just be here...inside.
I don't want to die. I'm not sure anymore that I even want to know how far away death is. I don't want more tests, no more poking, no more prodding and NO MORE people telling me it could be something worse than what they thought it was previously!!
After tomorrow, no more.
After tomorrow I just want to live my life.
For some of us fear is something we occasionally face, with the intention of proving that we are stronger than we really believe we are. For others is a place, a person, or a situation in which we have no control, so we sometimes look it in the eye and sometimes we hide. For the few unlucky ones, fear is something completely different. It's a car, it's a bridge, it's a war, well really it's almost EVERYTHING.
There are phobics, hypochondriacs, and paranoid delusionists who perhaps can explain it better, but there's just some people who are terrified of fear.
"The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself."
It's been said and repeated to the point where we all have heard this. But what about those who really get it?
When we are young, we drive fast, we drink lots, we smoke, we live hard. We don't really think anything will happen. Why would we, we see the odds right?
How many things does it take to turn our carefree minds into complete agoraphobics?
For me, it was just one.
Failure.
Then a plethora of bad shit hurdled at the fan and made me want to stay there. The big realization was "It CAN happen to me"
So where does that leave me?? It leaves me fighting. Fighting friends, family, and everyone around me trying to convey that it really is ok to just be here...inside.
I don't want to die. I'm not sure anymore that I even want to know how far away death is. I don't want more tests, no more poking, no more prodding and NO MORE people telling me it could be something worse than what they thought it was previously!!
After tomorrow, no more.
After tomorrow I just want to live my life.
Monday, November 17, 2008
*ding*
We all want to do it. Whether it's to fix something that was broken or to relive something that was amazing, we all want to go back.
This was my recent big lesson. Lately all I've seen was hate, unhappiness and sorrow try to penatrate my life. I could only focus on that, having a full scatoma on the lesson that was trying to be known.
It wasn't my father dying, it wasn't feeling abandoned by my family. It wasn't being hurt by a friend. It wasn't money, economy, or my getting deathly ill. It was a message. (smacks forhead)
You can't go back. You can't rekindle lost friendships, you can't get one last chance to ask why. You can't expect people to change because you have. It's over.
There's no going back. You have to just take access of everything now, then step forward.
This is my life. Now. Right the fuck now, I have to live.
I am never going to get those answers, or resolutions that I pyne for daily.
I am leaving it all behind.
If something comes to find me in my future I will deal with it then.
Now, I am happy. I do not feel sorrow, or longing, or lonely. Now I feel great. I'll just hang onto that.
This was my recent big lesson. Lately all I've seen was hate, unhappiness and sorrow try to penatrate my life. I could only focus on that, having a full scatoma on the lesson that was trying to be known.
It wasn't my father dying, it wasn't feeling abandoned by my family. It wasn't being hurt by a friend. It wasn't money, economy, or my getting deathly ill. It was a message. (smacks forhead)
You can't go back. You can't rekindle lost friendships, you can't get one last chance to ask why. You can't expect people to change because you have. It's over.
There's no going back. You have to just take access of everything now, then step forward.
This is my life. Now. Right the fuck now, I have to live.
I am never going to get those answers, or resolutions that I pyne for daily.
I am leaving it all behind.
If something comes to find me in my future I will deal with it then.
Now, I am happy. I do not feel sorrow, or longing, or lonely. Now I feel great. I'll just hang onto that.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Closing
I have certainly learned more than I'd ever thought I'd get to in the last few days. The wake went mostly better than I'd expected. I was actually hugged by the woman who haunts me in my dreams. But I met my sisters and brothers. Wow, they are a fine looking bunch. My sisters are beautiful! I also met one of my father's very good friends. He clung to me, it was odd but he felt like as much of an outcast as I did. I don't know why, and really don't think I want to. It was nice tho, to not feel so alone thru this. I also met/remet 2 of my aunts, and got such a great reception. They were oh so kind to me and I can't wait to see them again. I also found my "person" By that I mean the one person in your gene pool that you just resemble enough that people notice...this is very common for most people but not me ..I never looked like any I knew..it was a lonely place. However that's more than changed...My Aunt Clarissa (cookie) wow...she had my nose, eyes and crooked smile and she was wonderful!
The funeral was the next day, but I didn't make it. I wanted to. I got up to hearing the phone ring then Ryan came in and told me his grandfather died about 2 hours earlier...unexpectedly.
We were still planning on attending, however. We got ready (a bit late but not too bad) and we were walking out the door when I noticed the bottom of my dress had a 3 inch tear at the bottom. It was too late to change, so I decided to buck it up and go as is...until....we got to the car and saw that we had a flat tire. That was it, destiny was to yell at me no louder, I got it. I told him we're just not going, and that's that.
since then, we've just worked on getting through this, and having some family time. We needed the distraction. I know he's getting a lil tired of hearing stuff about my family and how I feel, so I've tried to back off some...it's so hard though because I NEED to talk and rationalize this whirlwind and I've got no one to talk to. I really missed my mom today. She's in Az at my sister's and won't be back til next thursday.
I had a fight with my other sister a couple days ago too. She has a different father, one she's known all her life.. sure he's not the father of the year...(ok that's just being nice...he's crap) but I would think that she would call me upon hearing that my father died, and tell me that she loved me but she only called my mother to see if she knew...when I got upset about it, she brought up some joke when I teased her for sending me right-wing'd political stuff like it was something horrible I did? wtf?? anyway...so she wasn't in the least bit sorry for not calling, or certainly never hinted that she was. fin~
So lastly, trying to bring this blog back to where it was, I noticed that the night I couldn't keep those french doors closed, was Wednesday, the day my father died (found out friday) and oddly enough, the doors haven't opened again since.
The funeral was the next day, but I didn't make it. I wanted to. I got up to hearing the phone ring then Ryan came in and told me his grandfather died about 2 hours earlier...unexpectedly.
We were still planning on attending, however. We got ready (a bit late but not too bad) and we were walking out the door when I noticed the bottom of my dress had a 3 inch tear at the bottom. It was too late to change, so I decided to buck it up and go as is...until....we got to the car and saw that we had a flat tire. That was it, destiny was to yell at me no louder, I got it. I told him we're just not going, and that's that.
since then, we've just worked on getting through this, and having some family time. We needed the distraction. I know he's getting a lil tired of hearing stuff about my family and how I feel, so I've tried to back off some...it's so hard though because I NEED to talk and rationalize this whirlwind and I've got no one to talk to. I really missed my mom today. She's in Az at my sister's and won't be back til next thursday.
I had a fight with my other sister a couple days ago too. She has a different father, one she's known all her life.. sure he's not the father of the year...(ok that's just being nice...he's crap) but I would think that she would call me upon hearing that my father died, and tell me that she loved me but she only called my mother to see if she knew...when I got upset about it, she brought up some joke when I teased her for sending me right-wing'd political stuff like it was something horrible I did? wtf?? anyway...so she wasn't in the least bit sorry for not calling, or certainly never hinted that she was. fin~
So lastly, trying to bring this blog back to where it was, I noticed that the night I couldn't keep those french doors closed, was Wednesday, the day my father died (found out friday) and oddly enough, the doors haven't opened again since.
Monday, October 27, 2008
wake/awake
I'm preparing to leave for my father's wake now. I don't know what to expect.
I think of the term insomniac and why I chose it. At the time it had to do with my being in physical pain and not having medication to help cope. But now I know that it meant more. At the time I started this blog I felt sorry for myself. I was dealing with some serious illnesses and I knew in my heart that there was more coming. I blamed my father. After all, he's native american and my diabetes is directly related. I also spent that time looking him up again. I contimplated filing a law suit for child support that I never recieved...not for the money but for a chance to make him face me. I wanted to be seen. I AM HERE. no one sees me though. Today they will all see me. I don't know what will happen. But I am Insomniac...I am fully awake. Awake today they will look at me...they will see my eyes, my hair, my smile, my tears...today they will see me...and although they are in their own pain, for a moment they will see mine. I hope they feel it, I hope they know for a moment, or have even a glimpse of what they have done. That's all I need...I don't want them to continue hurting...just feel me for a moment...me wide awake.
I think of the term insomniac and why I chose it. At the time it had to do with my being in physical pain and not having medication to help cope. But now I know that it meant more. At the time I started this blog I felt sorry for myself. I was dealing with some serious illnesses and I knew in my heart that there was more coming. I blamed my father. After all, he's native american and my diabetes is directly related. I also spent that time looking him up again. I contimplated filing a law suit for child support that I never recieved...not for the money but for a chance to make him face me. I wanted to be seen. I AM HERE. no one sees me though. Today they will all see me. I don't know what will happen. But I am Insomniac...I am fully awake. Awake today they will look at me...they will see my eyes, my hair, my smile, my tears...today they will see me...and although they are in their own pain, for a moment they will see mine. I hope they feel it, I hope they know for a moment, or have even a glimpse of what they have done. That's all I need...I don't want them to continue hurting...just feel me for a moment...me wide awake.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
death
I just found out my father died. I haven't seen him in 30 years. I really didn't think it would hurt this badly. Tomorrow I will attend his wake. I'm so nervous.
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